Ok, first things first. Formatting is important. If the company gets your letter on your Garfield sticky notepaper, they're not going to take it too seriously. Make sure you've got all the proper placement and justification for the addresses, date, and salutation and closing. The envelope should be standard size and color with the text printed on if possible. Professionalism is key. Here we go.
May 5, 2009
Crappy Company, Inc.
945 Lousy Ln.
Shoddy City, IA 09876
To Whom It May Concern:
Recently I purchased an (item) from one of your retail operations in (place). I immediately noticed problems with the aforementioned product but considered them minor and nothing to be alarmed by. As the saying goes, “Hindsight is 20/20,” and such is the case with my ownership of (previously mentioned item). I hope you will take the time to read my letter and learn of the (doom and gloom word) that your product has brought my family and me.
Upon installing the (item) in our (location, i.e. car, house, church, bedroom, etc.), the (part of item) fell off into the (specific area in the location). Whilst trying to retrieve it, I managed to get my (body part) stuck in a (item). Since I was unable to yell for help due in part to the excruciating pain that I was in, I attempted to use (form of body language) to inform my three year old that she needed to bring me a (household tool). By the time she returned with the requested item, roughly (increment of time) later, I found my body seemed to be under significant stress. I was told later by doctors that my (vital function of the human body) was on the verge of completely failing.
Fortunately for me, I was able to dislodge myself from my predicament. However right after I escaped that (doom and gloom word), I found myself ensared by the (part of item) of your product. This time my (body part) was scalded severely by the intense heat produced by your patented (technology). Upon seeing this, my three year old ran away leaving me with no hope of being discovered should I suddenly experience (life threatening illness or medical emergency).
My next memory is of room 349 in the ICU where I awoke (increment of time) later. The sight of my family standing around me all dressed in (mourning dress) was spine-chilling yet endearing at the same time. Everyone rejoiced at my sudden revitalization, but the joy was quickly snuffed out upon the awkwardly timed arrival of (the last person you'd want at your funeral).
Now (increment of time) later I am dictating this letter to my spouse, as I am no longer able to use my (body part). My request is simply that you refund my purchase price of this product at (price) plus medical expenses of (exorbitantly large amount of money). I hope to hear from you soon regarding this matter as will my legal counsel. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
(your name)
There you have it. If that doesn't get you some results, then you may just have to go with some old-fashioned civil disobedience. Depending on the severity of the beef you have with the company, this could mean anything from picketing to Molotov cocktails.
For fun, try this letter as a Mad Lib with a friend. Here's an example of the result I got when I did it with my wife.
To Whom It May Concern:
Recently I purchased a thermometer from one of your retail operations in Cancun. I immediately noticed problems with the aforementioned product but considered them minor and nothing to be alarmed by. As the saying goes, “Hindsight is 20/20,” and such is the case with my ownership of your thermometer. I hope you will take the time to read my letter and learn of the utter disaster that your product has brought my family and me.
Upon installing the thermometer in our Volkswagon, the tip fell off into the seat. Whilst trying to retrieve it, I managed to get my tongue stuck in the dashboard. Since I was unable to yell for help due in part to the excruciating pain that I was in, I attempted to use winking to inform my three year old that she needed to bring me a screwdriver. By the time she returned with the requested item, roughly half hour later, I found my body seemed to be under significant stress. I was told later by doctors that my sweating was on the verge of completely failing.
Fortunately for me, I was able to dislodge myself from my predicament. However right after I escaped that catastrophe, I found myself ensared by the battery of your product. This time my nose was scalded severely by the intense heat produced by your patented Blu-ray. Upon seeing this, my three year old ran away leaving me with no hope of being discovered should I suddenly experience a shock.
My next memory is of room 349 in the ICU where I awoke one minute later. The sight of my family standing around me all dressed in veils was spine-chilling yet endearing at the same time. Everyone rejoiced at my sudden revitalization, but the joy was quickly snuffed out upon the awkwardly timed arrival of Bingo the Clown.
Now one hour later I am dictating this letter to my spouse, as I am no longer able to use my toe. My request is simply that you refund my purchase price of this product at $30.00 plus medical expenses of $20 million. I hope to hear from you soon regarding this matter as will my legal counsel. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Heidi
If you come up with a good one, post it in the comments for all to enjoy.
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